So Called Redemption by Toby Ziegler
by Regency
Summary: The President's got a problem and Toby thinks it's about time that he admitted it.On Perm. Hiatus.
1. A Moment On the Dais

Author: Regency

Title: 'So Called Redemption' by Toby Ziegler

Rating: PG for now.

Pairing: Whomever I decide to stick together, but maybe some Jed/Abbey

Spoilers/Season: Five for later mentions of Abbey's medication and Zoey's whatever. _No Exit_

Summary: And idly, Toby wonders if the guests in the ballroom can feel the change, can feel the course of history shifting around them. Do they hear the saga being written twenty years in the future about this, about this night and all those that will follow? Do they hear the words, the wonder, the awe? Do they hear?

Disclaimer: They all belong to Aaron Sorkin, who abandoned them, and unless otherwise specified, I own no one here.

Author's Notes: This is just my take on what could happen. It ain't nuthin', but a family thing.

**A Moment on The Dais**

"Sir, I need to talk to you." Toby stands there, staring at him as though he were some type of confounded thing. He won't meet his eyes and he keeps looking around, as though he's afraid someone will hear. The only people Jed can see are the Secret Service Agents standing sentry in the hall. But still, he looks around. This feels like it's going to be the setting of another one of those personal 'conversations' he and Toby are in the habit of getting into.

"Okay." He stands with his back to the railing, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets; an almost perfect mirror to Toby's stance by the doors leading to the dais. Toby looks around again, nervously almost.

"Here?"

"Is there a better place to have it?"

"Not here, maybe?" There's a crack of Toby's wit and that seems to lighten the moment. It seems to, anyway. Soon that fades into the darkness that lies just beyond the dim radiance of the torches lit on the stone walls.

"What is it, Toby? Maybe you haven't noticed, but there is a party happening and I'm pretty sure that at some point one or both of us will be missed."

"I noticed the party, sir. I also noted that you have been conspicuously absent for much of it."

"I wouldn't call it conspicuous."

"You may not, but several other people would, are, and have been since you disappeared during dinner earlier this evening."

"Okay." Toby rubs his head in an _almost_ passive frustration.

"Okay. Okay? What's okay?"

"Okay. Just okay." The President just looks at him and waits for whatever comes next.

"Well, this has been a constructive conversation, so far, Mr. President."

"I know, the last time I checked I was supposedly a part of it."

"Really, sir, because I've seen no active participation on your part." The President stands erect in mock indignation.

"Toby, is it possible that you're calling me a lazy conversationalist?"

"Of course not, sir. That would infer some kind of disrespect on my part and that's -- that's not why I'm here." Jed heaves a silent sigh and Toby takes a fortifying breath. What he's about to confront this man with…This man that he respects, idolizes, and lo--has great affection for, could change the course of history. It will definitely change their relationship forever and he wonders if this is the right time for this.

"Then, why are you out here, Toby? What do you need to talk to me about?" He has his guard up and the air begins to hum with tension. The barely perceptible agents in the area stand even more at attention, too feeling the pressure of the moment. And idly, Toby wonders if the guests in the ballroom can feel the change, can feel the course of history shifting around them. Do they hear the saga being written twenty years in the future about this, about this night and all those that will follow? Do they hear the words, the wonder, the awe? Do they hear? Or are they as oblivious as he almost wishes he was? The President shifts on his feet. "What is it you wanted to talk about? You've got my attention."

"I wanted to talk to you about -- about something I saw." This is a strange beginning for any conversation and Toby sees his leader's forehead furrow in confusion. Maybe he should be more clear. "Sir--" Before he can begin and agent leans out past him to speak to the President.

"Mr. President, the First Lady's calling for you to open the dance floor with her. Her exact message was: The people want to dance, Jed. If you'll forgive address, sir." The President nods absently.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. Tell the First Lady that I'll be there in a moment." The agent nods and finally noticing Toby, gives him a wary glance. They always do that when the two of them are alone together. It rarely ends well for anyone. With a firm look to Toby, he leaves. This is just the out Toby's been looking for. If he believed in fate, that's what he'd think it was. But he doesn't, so to him it's just dumb luck. And tonight, he's damned grateful for it.

"Sir, this can wait. You probably shouldn't make the First Lady wait. We both know how much she hates that." He nods, but he's looking at Toby like he's not sure he should go. As though it were a matter of should and shouldn't.

"Yeah, she does hate that." He sighs to himself. "It seems she hates a lot of things to do with me, these days." Toby swallows and looks away, because he doesn't want this man to know that he shows in moment like this. He shows.

"What was that, Mr. President?" he asks to make him realize that he's speaking loud enough to be heard. Brown eyes meet blue and they both know that this conversation isn't over. It's not even begun.

Nothing. Are you sure it can wait?" Toby nods, but questions whether the President wants to be out here more than he wants to be in there.

"It can wait…a little while." As the President passes, Toby speaks to himself. "But not too long." As he watches him walk back to the ballroom, he can't help thinking that it might already be too late. "God, not too long."

Sorry, it's short. Review.

Completed: July 11, 2004


	2. Toby, Jed, and Leo's Oval Office Thing

Author: Regency

Title: 'So Called Redemption' by Toby Ziegler 

Rating: PG for now.

Pairing: Whomever I decide to stick together, but maybe some Jed/Abbey

Spoilers/Season: Five for later mentions of Abbey's medication and Zoey's whatever. _No Exit._

Summary: And idly, Toby wonders if the guests in the ballroom can feel the change, can feel the course of history shifting around them. Do they hear the saga being written twenty years in the future about this, about this night and all those that will follow? Do they hear the words, the wonder, the awe? Do they hear?

Disclaimer: They all belong to Aaron Sorkin, who abandoned them, and unless otherwise specified, I own no one here.

Author's Notes: This is just my take on what could happen. It ain't nothin', but a family thing.

**Toby, Jed, and Leo's Oval Office Thing…**

The party is finally in full swing. The President and the First Lady are dancing and if he looks distracted, well, that's to be expected right? He is after all, the Leader of the Free World. Toby watches them from his dark corner of the room. He wonders how bad it gets. Does he ever want to die when it happens? Does he ever want to hit things? Toby supposes that when they finish their interrupted conversation he'll find out.

At the crux of 'Because You Loved Me,' the President takes his wife on a full ballroom spin around the dance floor. He can hear her laughing from where he stands alone, mulling over his drink. He speculates that she knows, but isn't saying anything to keep the peace, but he knows better. She knows better. Seeing as sins of omission had never gotten them into trouble before.

Everyone else pales in comparison to their display. He ponders them as a couple; the changes, the pretend. He sees them and wonders if they're still pretending and finds that he can't tell them now, from them before. Is it because they're fixed or because everyone's just stopped looking so hard? There's nothing worse than watching a marriage die. There is, he thinks. Being in the marriage as it dies. It takes a part of both parties with it. And he thinks, maybe that's why he's fading away. But he doesn't know, so he doesn't say. Not yet.

Soon the party winds down and with a whisper from a non-descript agent, he wishes them all a good night. With Abbey on his arm and his staff on his heels, he leaves. They're not going to bed yet. Situation Room. Toby wonders if it's already too late as the President slips away to speak with a steward holding a glass of water that he takes. He doesn't drain the glass, just taking a sip. Just enough.

As the President rejoins them, he looks down and pretends he didn't see a thing. He's been doing that a lot these days. The President and Leo leave for the Sit Room and everyone else is left to wait and see if they'll be needed. The First Lady leaves for the Residence with the word that she'll be back later. Toby looks after her, wondering again, but figures that he has enough problems for one evening.

About half an hour later, the President returns with Leo and a pensive countenance. Leo corrals them all into the Oval and tells them to do their thing. Leo relates what's happened while the President just stands, looking through the windows. Toby doesn't remember ever seeing him this tired. He wonders…As he expected, the portico doors open and the same steward from earlier in the evening comes in with a glass of water. He hands it to the President, who takes it. He doesn't finish it, but takes a few sips. Just enough. And Toby wonders if it's already too soon.

Leo indicates for Toby to go first, but he declines, stating he needs to speak with only the President. Leo insists that he get it out of the way. Toby is adamant that it's a private conversation.

"I'd rather have the conversation in private. Wouldn't you, Mr. President?" Their eyes meet momentarily and Jed nods. Leo looks at them both, but pushes on, calling on the other staff to fill in. When they've all made themselves heard, the President requests the room, they start to clear. Leo hesitates and Jed just says his name.

"Leo, it's okay. I've got this." Leo pulls the door shut behind him and the room is engulfed in silence. "Toby, please, go make sure the door is shut firmly. I have a feeling that we're going to need as much insulation as possible." He nods and does as ordered. He comes back to stand in front of the Resolute Desk. "So, what did you want to talk about earlier?" Toby clears his throat and watches the Man.

"I just -- I've seen things, sir. Things you've been doing." The President straightens. The air becomes familiar. He wonders if they feel it.

"What have I been doing exactly, Toby?" He's on the defensive and Toby wonders if he should be.

"I see you, sir. I see you taking pills. Not just the 'whatever my wife put in my hand in the morning' kind. The kind you take when bad…worrying things happen. I see you distraught. I see you like Atlas with the world on his shoulders and you're leaning, sir. I see you so close to begging God to take this weight that you no longer believe you can lift. I see you faltering. But, then, and it never fails, some steward with an earpiece, who I have absolutely no doubt is a Secret Service Agent in a dinner jacket and bowtie, will bring you a glass of water that you never finish drinking. You take it and out of some clandestine pocket in your jacket comes this little box. This little antiquated-looking box that you open and take out this little yellow pill. It's so small that when you put it in your mouth, I bet people think you're covering a yawn or eating a mint. And then, you take a few sips of water and away goes the steward. And again, it never fails, ten or fifteen minutes later, out comes Uncle Fluffy. And there you are, Uncle Fluffying around; telling us things we could care less about knowing and being a powerful nuisance. So, tell me, Mr. President. Is this you or do you come in pills now?" Toby watches the President, wanting something. Wanting most to be wrong. The Man doesn't say anything. "It's just -- I see you taking pills, sir, and I don't know what that is…I don't know what that is." The President looks defeated and Toby half expects the steward to come in, but the door to the portico remains closed. It must be too soon.

"It's hard to explain, Toby." The President rises from sitting on the edge of the desk and buttons his jacket as though the conversation is over. Toby isn't giving up that easily. Not for something this important.

"Well, I'm a smart man, Mr. President. I may not be a genius, but I can geek-speak with the best of 'em." The President's already walking for the outer office door. "I'm not giving up on this, sir. So you might as well come back over here." The President stops with the door half open.

"Excuse me," he say to his staff and wife, who just returned, waiting on the other side. "I'm just gonna go back in here for a moment." He closes the door harder than he intended to. He doesn't see the look they share on the other side of the door. "Excuse me, Toby, but what the hell was that?"

"You heard me, sir."

"Yes, I did. And so did my wife, my aide, and the rest of the senior staff. You don't ever talk to me like that, especially not where others can hear you. You may have something to say, but when I say the conversation's over, it is over. Do you understand?" Toby is silent. "Do you understand?" His tone is deadly and unmistakable. But so is Toby's resolve.

"I do." The President, believing he's been sufficiently understood, nods.

"Good. Now, we can go. They're waiting for--" Toby interrupts.

"I understand, but I don't agree."

"Well, you don't have to agree, not like you ever do. Now, let's go." The President opens the door, but Toby isn't done yet.

"With all due respect, Mr. President, we are going to have this conversation. We're either going to do it in private or we're going to do it in front of your wife, your aide, and the rest of the senior staff. And that's something I don't think you want. Because, either way, we're going to have it." The President is facing an incredulous bunch of people. He puts on a tight smile.

"Excuse me, again. I'm going to go back in here for another moment." He slams the door behind him, but it doesn't close and stays cracked a few inches. "Are you blackmailing me, Toby?" This time, his voice is like acid and Toby winces minutely, but stands firm.

"No, sir. I'm assuring you that if you don't talk to me, I'm gonna make this someone else's problem. I don't want to have to take it to the First Lady. I think we both know she has enough to deal with, right now." He looks at the President with a raised chin. He knows. They both know. The President closes his eyes. He nods.

"Okay. We will talk about this. But does it have to be tonight?" Toby pauses, but nods.

"Yes, sir. I believe it does. The day we say tomorrow is the day we say never."

"Who said that?" Toby clears his throat and rubs his beard.

"I did."

"No one said it before you?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"Okay. Let's talk." They're both still standing. Toby's eyes are on the crack in the door where he can see everyone standing, pretending not to listen. He can see the First Lady looking at the ground and he wonders if it's because she's anxious or because they're watching her too. "You gonna talk, because at this point, I've got nothing to say on this. As a matter of fact, I think I could probably tell them outside about--"

"Close the door."

"What?"

"Close the door or they're going to hear about it straight from your lips." Apparently, he isn't as sold on the idea as he pretends to be, because in seconds the door is closed. Outside is outside and inside is inside. "Okay, now we can talk."

"It's not that big of a deal. It just some stuff that helps me."

"Okay, well, that's not good. You shouldn't need pills."

"Toby, maybe you haven't noticed, but this job is mildly stressful. They help me…deal with that stress."

"And I reiterate, you should not be taking pills."

"Toby--"

"No, sir. Do you not realize that every time you take one of those little yellow pills that you compromise the integrity of this office? _This_ office. The one we're standing in--"

"I know which office you 're referring about."

"Good. I wasn't sure that you did."

"You're treading a thin line," he warns.

"So are you, sir." He waits. They could be here all night. "Maybe you should send the First Lady up. Doesn't she have to go to the clinic soon?"

"Yeah. Should I tell the staff not to wait for you?" Toby shrugs.

"You're the boss." The President mumbles.

"Damn right." He leans out of the door, plastering what he thinks is an easy smile on his face. "Hi, yeah. Toby and I are going to be a while, so, I just wanted to tell you guys not to wait up. And Abbey, honey, you should probably go get ready. Don't you have to go to the clinic soon?" Abbey looks down at her watch and swears. She's going to be late, even if she gets ready now.

"Damn. I should have been ready half an hour ago. There's no way, I'm going to be on time now. Babe, I've got to go. Bye guys." And she disappears out of the doors to the walkway. There's a moment of stillness before the doors open again and Abbey's back. She makes a beeline for her husband and stops in front of him. "I forgot to do something." He's going to inquire as to what that is, but he doesn't get the chance. She slips her hand behind his head and brings his lips down to hers. The kiss is brief, but there's promise of more later. She pulls gently at his bottom lip before pulling away. "Now, I have to go." She smiles and so does he. As she goes to leave, he pulls her back and whispers into her ear.

"I almost forgot to tell you and remember this, I love you very much." She smiles and something about his tone forces her to blush. Later is looking sweeter and sweeter by the moment. She turns back and whispers to him in turn.

"I love you more, but we're not playing that game right now, because I have to go. And please don't let Toby keep you up tonight." Her eyes plead with him. Even if she won't be there, it doesn't mean she doesn't care.

"Okay." Her eyes are stern, now. "Really, I won't. We probably won't even be here for another hour." That's a stretch, but one can hope.

"Yeah, okay. Hey! I believe you...not, but anyway." She gives him another quick kiss and steps away. "Now, I can go."

"Hey, Mrs. B. , I'm not feeling the love." Abbey rolls her eyes at Josh.

"Yes, well, Josh, you've got Donna. Feel the love." With that parting shot, she's gone. The silence that follows vacillates from being confused and awkward. Jed walks back in and shuts the door. Toby now, drink in hand and is sipping patiently. He'll stay here all night if necessary.

"What were we just talking about?"

"If I remember correctly, lines were involved."

"Ah, yes. Lines. Why do you think I compromise this office when I take these pills?"

"Because, when you take those, sir, you're false. You're chipper and you're folksy and you're making important decisions under some the world is beautiful tarp that is, you know, false and not real."

"You know you just said two things that mean the same thing?"

"Mr. President, can you please, for the love of God, take this seriously?"

"Am I laughing? I am slapping my knees with a great big grin on my face, Toby? No, I'm not. This is my job, a big chunk of my livelihood. This has defined me for the last five years and will define me for the next three. I'm not laughing, Toby."

"I know."

"Then, why are you doing this, getting me all riled up when you already know?"

"Because I'm trying to get you to associate some real emotion with this. I need to be you to be mad, because that's the only you're going to see that your problem's a problem. And that's the only way you're going to solve it." The President sighs and leans against the desk.

"I don't have a problem, Toby. I have a hard job and I have a way of making that job easier. That's all."

"You have a dependency on anti-depressants and you don't know how to stop and no one's telling you that you have to, so you won't."

"I don't have a problem!" His hand slams onto the desk. He stands there, face red, breathing hard.

"You have a problem."

The President still stands there, a lock of hair falling onto his forehead. "You want me to get mad?" Toby nods. "I don't have a problem."

"You're not mad enough."

"I am mad. You come here and accuse me without knowing the facts, without knowing the details. Like hell, I'm mad."

"I don't know the details? I know that you're taking something that's compromising your behavior and I know, you can't be completely yourself when that's the case. And if you're not yourself, then, you're not the man we elected and you shouldn't be making state decisions. If you don't want to admit that there's a problem, then, you know, it's not fine, but that's for later tonight. This office has a problem. You say this office is a big chunk of your livelihood. Well, Mr. President, it's the livelihood of the entire country. There can be no qualms about who's in charge. You need to either be completely straight or completely medicated. We can't have President Uncle Fluffy, President Dr. Jekyll, and this other guy. The first two were hard enough to get used to, what the hell do I do with this new guy?"

"There is no other guy. There's just me. I--and who the hell are Uncle Fluffy and Dr. Jekyll?" Toby cracks a smile.

"Those are aliases that we have for the two basic hemispheres of your moods. Uncle Fluffy is your folksy side and Dr. Jekyll is, you know, the other side." The President blinks, because Toby, as a person, confuses him.

"Okay, well, we're definitely going to not care about that, right now. That's not why we're here."

"Thank you for noticing, Mr. President."

"What do you want me to say, Toby? I can see that you're disappointed in me. What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to say, my name's Josiah Bartlet and I have an addiction to prescription drugs. That's what I want you to say."

"I can't say that."

"Why not?"

"Because, I don't, Toby. I take them as needed. They were prescribed by my psych--counselor. He talked to my doctor and they established that it wouldn't interfere with anything I was already taking, nor with my daily Betaseron injection. I'm not in any danger."

"I didn't want this for you." The President stops short, surprised.

"Didn't want what?"

"_This._ I didn't want _this._ This thing. It was my personal goal to protect you from this."

"Toby, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the first day. Your first day in Office, you came in here and with the eyes of a child and a voice filled with awe, you said, _We're going to change the world in this room._ And I said, _Yes, sir._ And I meant it. And we have, but somewhere along the line, I lost sight of you. You lost sight of you."

"I see myself just fine."

"No, sir. I think you're more jaded than the rest of us. We...I failed you. I threw you out there and shouted for you to change the world as though your intent alone would make it happen. You have intent, but I didn't account for the other people who have power and stand as huge roadblocks to that change. And for that, I'm sorry." Jed shifts from foot to foot, not sure how to take the apology.

"Okay, I guess."

"You guess?"

"I guess. I don't have a problem so you're apologizing over a non-issue. So, I guess I accept, by default...I think anyway."

"That wouldn't have confused you before."

"Yeah, Toby. I think you would confuse me, medicated or unmedicated."

"So you admit that you were medicated? That you are medicated?"

"Well, yes. Why lie about the truth?" Toby puts down the drink and exhales.

"Now, we're getting somewhere." He stuffs his hands into his. "Do you have a problem?"

"No." Toby shakes his head with a grim smile on his face. He's had it way up to here with the denials.

"Okay. That's it. You know, I've had enough. I'm talking to Abbey." Toby walks to the outer office door, but stops and goes towards Leo's instead. "Never mind that. I'll talk to Leo instead. Maybe he can talk some sense into you." He has his hand firmly on Leo's doorknob before Jed believes he's serious.

"Okay, okay. Wait. We'll talk about this. Really, this time."

"I thought we were really talking about this, just now. You were being stubborn and I was getting sick of it."

"Hey!"

"Hey to you too, sir. I've already said that we're going to talk about this tonight or I'm going to make it someone else's problem. I think I'm gonna make it Leo's." He pulls the door open and comes face to face with Leo, who stands there and looks at both of them.

"Not yet, but it will definitely be necessary in the future." Jed sighs.

"Yeah." Toby looks up at him with an expression that reads, _There is hope for you yet._ Jed returns with a ,_'Gee, thanks'_ look.

"Hey, guys. You wanna pay attention to me now?" They look at him silently. "What's going on here?" Toby looks to the ground and starts to wonder if maybe bringing Leo in had been a bad idea. He watches the President. It's his ball now.

"Toby came to talk to me tonight during the party, but I didn't have time then. He decided that it was so urgent that we would be here all night, if necessary." Leo looks between them, his eyes as worried as they've ever been.

"Jed, what does Toby know that I should know?"

"Nothing." Toby sees the denial coming before it even leaves his lips and is prepared.

"He has an addiction…to prescription drugs." To say Leo looks stricken is an understatement. He stands there for a moment. His hand comes to cover his mouth and for a second, he looks as though he's going to be sick. Instead he begins to fall and they catch him on both sides, guiding him to the couch to sit. Jed rises almost immediately and moves to sit on the adjacent couch. He feels ashamed and can't meet either of their gazes. He doesn't know how he can feel this way after so adamantly defending his position before. He doesn't have a problem! He doesn't...Does he? He's sure he already knows the answer to that.


	3. It Ain't Nothin', But A Family Thing

Author: Regency

Title: 'So Called Redemption' by Toby Ziegler

Rating: PG for now.

Spoilers/Season: Five for later mentions of Abbey's medication and Zoey's whatever. _No Exit._

Summary: And idly, Toby wonders if the guests in the ballroom can feel the change, can feel the course of history shifting around them. Do they hear the saga being written twenty years in the future about this, about this night and all those that will follow? Do they hear the words, the wonder, the awe? Do they hear?

Disclaimer: They all belong to Aaron Sorkin, who abandoned them, and unless otherwise specified, I own no one here. The quote: "A series of small, well-intentioned steps can lead you down the wrong path just as surely as a deliberate, headlong sprint." was taken from the fic "What It Looks Like" by SheilaVR.

Author's Notes: This is just my take on what could happen. It ain't nothin', but a family thing. I'm just saying that pills can be a good or a bad thing. We're gonna call them a bad thing for the sake of the story.

**It Ain't Nothin,' But A Family Thing...**

Both Toby and Leo watch the President in silence. They note the way his gaze flits away from theirs, the way he looks at the ground. He _is_ President Josiah Bartlet. He does not look to the ground. But he is. The impossible is possible and he is. He is ashamed. He is afraid. And he cannot look them in the eye. He is frightened. And so are they.

Here they are, in this room together. So near, not two yards away from, the very seat of power. And they watch him start to falter, start to fall. They wonder, _Should they catch him? Can they catch him?_ Neither speaks, because neither is certain. The burden of this office weighs them down and they cannot rise to comfort him. They watch him and they wait. He takes a breath and they hold theirs. They watch him and they wait.

"It started when Ellie was young. Not, 'little girl' young, but 'Dad, you never understood me' young. She was strange, off-the-wall, stressed out. She even started losing her hair. I couldn't get her to talk to me and even Abbey seemed to get nowhere. This wasn't just teenage blues; something was wrong with one of my babies and I couldn't make it better. Abbey was reluctant to bring it up with me, but eventually, she suggested that Ellie see a therapist. Had she asked me before, _I'd have said, Hell no. No daughter of mine will see therapist. She'll grow out of it._ But by the time she finally did ask, I was desperate. I was afraid that if she didn't get some kind of help soon, she'd waste away. So, Abbey set up an appointment with a friend of hers and Ellie went. She came out relatively the same, but she was talking again, interacting. Not with me, but interacting. She had highs and lows. A few sessions later, Abbey comes to me and says that the therapist would like to prescribe a medication for Ellie, but she'll only do it if we agree. Abbey starts to list the benefits of the medication, but she won't tell me what it is. Finally, I tell her to cut to the chase. She says, the doctor wants to put her on Doxepin, an anti-depressant. I was wary from the start, but Abbey said it would help and I trust nothing, if not Abbey's word. She said that she probably wouldn't need them long." His eyes drift upwards to stare at Leo's door through the gap between them. "The last I saw of her, she was still taking them." He sighs and leans back. "And she was only the beginning."

Toby clears his throat and rubs his head. He's so far out of his league, he has not idea what to do. So, he does what he does best: He speaks. "Maybe, you're wrong. Maybe, they're something else." Toby doesn't really believe himself. Neither does Jed.

"Toby, you don't spend five years watching your daughter popping little yellow pills and just forget what they look like when she moves out of the house. It's more than a decade later and I remember. I remember." He shifts a little. Leo hasn't spoken through all of this. He watches Jed, looking for signs perhaps. He doesn't find them. Whatever there should be that screams, _He has an addiction! _He doesn't see it. Where is it? He voices his thought, at last.

"I don't see it." Jed's forehead furrows and he rubs his thigh absently. He feels a twinge.

"Don't see what?" He can feel a headache coming on and wonders if calling for the steward would be an affront to this whole conversation.

"What Toby sees. I don't see, haven't seen…anything." The thought of missing the signs seems to trouble him more than the actual act. Maybe he's hiding. Lord knows, Jed is.

"Because, there isn't anything to see." Toby just grumbles and puts his head in his hands.

"Jed, I know Toby can be wrong sometimes, but when he says there's a problem I have tendency to want to believe him...No matter how bad or serious the problem. If he says there's a thing with you…then I'm gonna trust that there's a thing with you."

"There's no thing." He's back to his denials. He walks to his window and peers out so that he doesn't have to face them. The only thing harder than this would be facing Abbey at this moment. He has a feeling that she comes into play later in the game. A game. If only it were that simple. "It ain't nothin', but a family thing, guys. First, Ellie, then Zoey, maybe Abbey a little bit before. It's all there. It's all in the history." Leo leans forward and rest his elbows on his knees. He knows all about family things. They never end pretty.

"Then we'll talk to them too." Jed turns around so fast that he has to catch himself on the back of his chair.

"You can't. They can't help their problems. Problems that I caused, by the way. This is how they cope. Let them have this. At the very least, until I get out of office. They deserve to be human." Leo watches his old friend and Toby watches them both.

"And you don't? What denies you your right your own humanity, your own fallibility? Tell me, Jed. What?" He rests his hands on the back of the chair and meets Leo's eyes unflinchingly.

"This denies me that, Leo. That Seal on the floor, there. That denies me my right to make too many mistakes. People are watching and they are waiting for me to stumble. They are waiting for the burden of this office to crush me. Leo, I can't let them win." His eyes are glassy and he turns away again. He's making excuses. Leo used to do that. Maybe he still is. Just for someone else this time.

"They've already won." Jed looks up quick. It kills Leo that he missed that slightly glazed expression, the over cheer. He should've seen. As they say, "Hindsight is 20/20." Ain't that the truth?

"What do you mean?"

"They may not be able to see you stumble, but your footprints will show your shortcomings. Someone always sees, Jed. Someone always sees."

"No one sees." Leo tips his head towards Toby.

"Toby saw. So far, you only show to those that love you and are willing to look close enough. Toby loves you and he saw patterns." Toby shifts in his seat uncomfortably as both of their eyes glimpse his way. He's not really comfortable with the whole 'love' thing.

"Toby protests."

"Toby protests everything. Don't let it fool ya. He loves you, I love you. Lord knows, Abbey loves you. And whatever your doubts, so do the girls. Jed, the only person you've ever met that didn't love you immediately was anyone you ever ran against in an election. And the only reason they didn't love you is because they lost to you and in the end, they couldn't help, but realize that the better man probably won. That's -- That's a tough pill to swallow. No pun intended." They all share a vague smile.

"It feels like the world's on my shoulders, Leo, Toby. I don't know if I can keep lifting it alone." Leo stands and Toby falls into step behind him. Moving to either side of him, Leo rests a hand on his shoulder and Toby stands protectively by.

"You won't have to. From now on, you've got me. Like you should have had in the first place."

"Leo, you couldn't have known. I hid it so well that even I was damned convinced that it was just a thing I did to get through, to get by." Leo's eyes darken in remembrance.

"That's how it starts. You only need it sometimes and then sometimes becomes a lot more of the time than it ever was before. It's not your fault. You didn't ask for this." Jed rubs his face.

"Did I? I took this job, knowing what it would do to me. I did it twice, despite Abbey's concerns; medical and marital. Maybe I, in some roundabout way had this coming." Toby finally makes himself heard...again.

"I don't think so, sir. You're a good man who wanted to do a good thing. I don't think God punishes for that. There's a quote about paths and steps and sprints that would fit into this moment, I think. I can't remember it--"

"A series of small, well-intentioned steps can lead you down the wrong path just as surely as a deliberate, headlong sprint. That sound about right?" Toby nods.

"Yes, sir. Your intent was only to be a better man for your people, for your family. You didn't ask for this, sir…And you don't have to go through it anymore. Not alone. Never alone. " He stuffs his hands in his pockets and analyzes the carpet in silence.

"You've got me, Jed. I'm not much, but you've got me." Jed covers Leo's hand with his own and gives it a squeeze.

"And me, sir. If you want me…or even if you don't. You've got me." The President looks over his shoulder at the pensive Communications Director. Toby's eyes slide up to meet Leader's and he sees what he was hoping to. He puts his hand out. Jed takes it and holds on firmly. He closes his eyes for a moment. Maybe he will be okay. Maybe.

"You're gonna be okay, Jed. You're gonna be okay."

"We're not gonna let this thing win, sir. First, you're gonna conquer it and then, we'll worry about the President. The man is all that matters for now." Jed smiles wistfully, but behind the despair, there's a spark of hope. His eyes darken again, though.

"It ain't nothin', but a family thing, guys. Nothin', but a family thing." Leo and Toby share a look over the President's head. Toby nods.

"They're gonna be okay too, Mr. President. But first, we're gonna save you. Then, on to them. And after that, the world." The President smiles a real smile. "The sun will come out tomorrow." He throws up an eloquent eyebrow. Did Toby just say...?

"Why Annie, you've changed." Toby blinks and looks up as thought asking why.

"Ha ha ha. Very funny, you very nutty man. I'm just saying that, tomorrow will be a different day. It might be good. It might be not so good, but you're not alone. If the urge is ever there…if you wanna throw something or yell at someone...Leo's there for you. I'll be a phone call away." Jed nods.

"Or Toby. A phone call can easily translate into a midnight trip." Leo gives nonchalantly cool look. Hey, they're in this together. Jed laughs bitterly. They both jump at the sound. That doesn't sound like anyone they know.

"We're actually talking about me getting to bed before or anywhere near midnight. That's not gonna happen. I'm actually quite certain is hasn't happened in years, on any night. Including, but not limited to tonight." Okay, maybe he needs a drink.

"Jed, you need a drink or something. Scotch, maybe?" It's harder for him to say than it may seem, but Jed knows his friend well.

"No, Leo, I can't do that to you."

"This isn't about me. Not tonight."

"Besides, I just took some stuff a while ago. I can't take that anywhere near alcohol." Leo looks at Toby in confusion, surprised that he let it happen. Toby shrugs.

"The President is very adept at clandestinely taking his medication. He took it right under everyone's noses in the office, earlier this evening." Leo remembers the steward.

"The steward."

"That's the one."

"You know that that guy's a Secret Service Agent in a dinner jacket and bowtie, right? He didn't have you fooled, did he?" Jed decides it's time he reentered the conversation.

"Oh, no. Toby knew and called me on it. He called me on a lot of things this evening." Toby rubs the back of his neck.

"Sir, I apologize for my behavior earlier this evening. I know it was extreme, but I felt the situation warranted no less. And you didn't want to hear me. I made myself heard."

"As you are prone to do." Leo and Jed's eyebrows quirk in unison.

"Yes, sir."

"You did good tonight, Toby. You changed history, you know that, don't you?"

"I knew out on the dais, sir. I felt the change." Jed nods.

"So did I...and I ran from it like hell. This was not the way I wanted to make history."

"This is rarely the way Presidents want to make history. And hopefully, with our help, you won't be another."

"Maybe." Jed.

"Maybe." Toby.

"Definitely." Leo.

The room is inundated in silence, but a comfortable silence. They will change this. They've got a hell of a road ahead, but they'll make it. Hopefully.

This isn't how he wants to go down in history.

Leo looks at his watch. "Sir, you should probably get up to bed. I heard you tell Abbey that you wouldn't let Toby keep you up too late. It's past 3 AM. You need to go to bed." He nods a little.

"Toby, you should probably get home to the twins. I'm sure they'd like a kiss a good night from Dad." Toby looks at his watch too and nods.

"Yeah." He stands there, unsure of whether he should just leave. What else can he do? He guesses there's nothing. "Good night, sir. Leo." He nods to both of them and turns to leave. He gets to the door and stops. Reaching for his wallet, he removes one of his business cards and searches his pockets for a pen. "Is it possible that there is a pen anywhere over there, where you are...that you could bring to me?" Jed opens his middle drawer and twiddles it in the air. "...that you could bring over to me?" Leo and Jed look at each other and then, at Toby. The pen goes back in the drawer. "Okay, I guess I'm coming back over there." He trudges back to the desk and holds out his hand. Nothing happens. "May I please borrow the pen?" He thinks about it for a moment and then retrieves the pen and hands it over.

"Yes, you may."

"Thank you for your kindness, sir."

"Hey, I'm a generous guy." Toby peers at him from under his eyebrows, but proceeds to write something on the card.

"That you are, sir." He hands the card to the President. He looks at the innocuous numbers on the pre-printed card.

"What's this?"

"My home phone number. I just thought it'd be silly to assume you'd only need me during business hours. Whatever those are." The President's touched, but hides it well.

"You don't think I could get your number if I needed to contact you?"

"I think that if you _need_ to contact me, you shouldn't have to wait for someone else to find it. That's just what I think." He shrugs and shuffles his feet.

"Thanks. I'll try not to bother you too much."

"I wouldn't have given you the number if I thought a call from you would be a bother. Call me if you need me...or if you just want to talk...about things. It's no bother. If you want, I could probably even bring Huck and Molly over. It might take you mind off of…things. Bad, worrying things." Jed smiles again. He's finally getting used to the almost unfamiliar expression.

"I'd like that." Toby nods.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go. Gotta kiss the babies good night."

"Give them a kiss for me." Toby smiles a real smile.

"I'll do that." With another quiet look to Leo, he slips out of the door and it's just to two of them.

"They're beautiful babies." Jed nods, but is distracted. "You're gonna be all right, Jed. You, and Abbey, and the girls."

"I know."

" I don't think you do…We're not gonna let you fall. Whenever you start to feel overburdened, lean on us. That's why we're here." He picks up Jed's coat and helps him into it. "Come on, I'll walk you up to the Residence." Jed looks at him like he's nuts.

"I'm a big boy, Leo."

"Yes, but you're a big boy with a thing now. As a member of Club Thing, the Anonymous chapter, I know that you're most susceptible when you're alone." Jed huffs a bit and waits for Leo to retrieve his things from his office.

They walk down sidewalk silently. There's nothing left to say. They reach the doors of the mansion. Jed stops.

"I think I've got it from here." Leo starts to protest. "Leo, I'm a big boy." Leo starts to interrupt again. "I know, I'm a big boy with a thing, but still. Let me have this, Leo. I need to have this walk to myself. I need to think. If I need a few more voices, I'll call you and Toby and we can make it a party. Just let me have this." Leo nods. He steps away and is about to begin the walk back, when he's pulled into a warm hug. He returns it. Jed whispers in his ear, "I'm lucky to have a friend like you, otherwise I doubt I'd be able to get through this." To Leo's surprise, he kisses his cheek and retreats inside before Leo can respond. He stands there for a moment before a smile lights his face and a laugh disturbs the early, early morning. He begins to walk away, but stops to look back at the doors.

"I'm the one that's lucky, old friend. You saved me all those years ago and now, I can finally return the favor…as if I ever could." He starts to walk away again, but stops to look at the full moon. "Watch over him, tonight. Just in case he needs someone...Just in case." He disappears back inside the building and heads home. He'll turn up the volume on his phone tonight. You know, just in case he's needed.

Leo didn't realize it, but Jed was watching him the whole time.

Jed smiles and steps all the way away from the door. Stuffing his hands in his coat pockets, he heads up to the Residence. God, he misses Abbey right now. He's in no rush to return to the empty bedroom. He thinks about this night, about history, about Abbey. What will he tell Abbey? He can't lie to her, but he can't just tell her _everything._ That'll keep her on Xanex for years. He's caused her enough pain for a lifetime. He'll get better and she'll never know. Something tells him it won't be that simple.

Reaching the bedroom door, he slips inside and closes the door behind him, shutting the world away. He rests against the door for a moment before shedding his coat, jacket and tie. This was not how he thought this night would go. It was supposed to be a simple dinner. It's not so simple anymore. He isn't sure how it happened, but now he's got an addiction to prescription drugs. How the hell did that happen! It's a thought that he can barely think much less voice. He knows that he needs to. He needs to say what Toby needs to hear. He needs to say it to himself. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to solving or coming to terms with that problem. He knows there's no curing addiction. He never wanted this.

He stands in front of the mirror in the bathroom and stares at himself in the vanity light. It's good light. It brings out his eyes and everything. He can't even look himself in the eye. He presses his hands to his cheeks. How long has he looked this sick?

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to say, my name's Josiah Bartlet and I have an addiction to prescription drugs. That's what I want you to say."

"I can't say that."

"Why not?"

"Because, I don't, Toby. I take them as needed..."

He does or so he thought. It's never occurred to him that maybe he needed them too much, too often. He touches his fingertips to his reflection. He doesn't even recognize himself. When did he disappear? This isn't how he wants to go down in history.

"My name's Josiah Bartlet and I have an addiction to prescription drugs."

"Jed? What's going on?" He starts as he sees her reflection in the mirror. She's right behind him. He didn't see her there. He doesn't speak. "Jed?" Her voice is scared.

_It ain't nothin', but a family thing._

"Jed."

This isn't what he wanted.


End file.
